Help! I feel strange sharing this online but I am desperate. My marriage is falling apart. No one knows how my husband speaks to me at home. No one, I feel all alone, and I feel like everyone would believe him before they would believe me because of his position. He is super sweet to me and everyone in public. My husband and I argue almost daily at home, he often calls me stupid, dumb, idiot and puts me down. Tells me I am not intelligent, etc... I tell him he is a fake Christian if he does that or when he says things that are not true, I say he is lying, so he says now that I call him names too (fake and lying) but not in the same way.
Today I sent him an email from six years ago by mistake about a time before we were married and he was also talking with another girl, and he is super upset. As I was reading them, I realized 7 years ago, when we were not married, he was also unhappy with me and the way I was even then. I have improved in so many areas, the way I dress, neatness, the way I cook, the way I speak, etc... I thought marrying him was God will ... Today, he said I will sleep in the spare room from now on and does not want to reconcile or come back together. He said he will play the game in public (of being happied married, etc..)

Yesterday he was super upset because I came downstairs in flannel pjs and not in something sexy, saying I am half a boy, that I do not dress sexy, feminine. I was cold and tired and wanted to dress in something comfortable. The day before that , I was sick, nauseous, migraine, coughing and he starts in that I cannot even clean a counter (we have a granite counter that is hard to see the spots at night, but in the morning light it shows any spots I may have missed clearly). He said if I cannot be faithful in the little (cleaning the counter right), then I cannot be faithful in the bigger things. Now he is saying that I am the one that has made the marriage bad. I am super clumsy and break things, yes, and I do not notice things, like dust, etc... all the time, but he was the one that started calling me names 4 months into our marriage. I tried for a long time not to reciprocate, but after a year or two, I had enough and said a few things I should not have. But even now, when he is railing at me, I just stand there and try to not say anything so he will not be upset, until the time he says something super painful and then I sometimes snap back. We need help. He does not want to go for counselling and says its mainly my fault, and just a little bit his. Today I mentioned that in July he asked me to forgive him for being a vicious husband and he had said wanted to pray with me every day and when he did pray with me one day, he asked the Lord to forgive us for things we said that were wrong, from the pit of hell. He said too that we should pray together and that paraphrase not liking the way I pray is no excuse. But then today he said, "What drugs are you on, I never said I was a vicious husband" I know he said it because I wrote it down and it was the term he used. Please pray for a miracle. My thoughts are becoming very dark, I don't believe in suicide so I won't do it, because I am a Christian, but thoughts of just not existing as a person anymore so that the pain stops, seems better than going through this.